The Laal Street Journal
Satyam
has unveiled a rescue package for its associates, the terms of which
are detailed below. Like Satyam's notional cash pile, here is a fictional story on how Satyam can encounter this crisis and restore confidence of the Associates.
1. Satyam will launch Satyam-PWC Centre of Creative Accounting & Management (SCAM)
This
Centre will be headed by Srinivas Vadlamani. Satyam Associates can
enrol in this SCAM and develop their creative accounting skills. SCAM
will impart best practises by benchmarking with other world class firms
like Enron and Worldcom. People who know US-GAAP and other accounting
standards need not apply as you are over qualified. Your skills will be
put to full use during quarter close and year-end. Placement is assured
in one of the Satyam group companies like Maytas, Samtay, Tamasy,
Tasmay etc.
2. Satyam-ISB Centre for Corporate Misgovernance (SICC)
Under
the stewardship of M Rammohan Rao, Satyam will establish this centre to
groom the next generation of Directors who can fill the Board positions
in Satyam group and also aspire for similar position in many other
tainted companies in India. We will also teach you how to draft your
own resignation letter before resigning from the board.
3. All associates will be offered a chance to throw shoes at Ramalinga Raju like what happened to Bush recently.
4. All Associates will be given stock under the Employee Shock Option Plan (E-Shock).
Before future confessions, Ramalinga Raju will update the E-Shock
holders in advance so that they can sell their shares before the stock
crashes.
5.
All Associates will be provided company Memorabilia like T-shirts,
caps, key chains, coffee mugs etc. to be sold on Ebay. The right moment
to sell these items would be around the time we announce our
bankruptcy.
6.
Employees who nod their heads well will be appointed to the Board and
will be paid Rs. 12 Lakhs per annum. The best such nodder will be paid
upto Rs. 1 crore per annum. Such directors need to maintain silence at
the Board meetings. The only word they are allowed to say is YES.
Although you will be called independent directors, you'll have to
depend on Raju & Co. for everything.
7.
Life long supply of Hyderabad Biriyani to tide over the crisis. All
associates will get Free tickets to FIFA world cup 2010 & 2014 for
which Satyam is the co-sponsor.Satyam
is also contemplating the acquisition of Tamilnadu government-owned
TASMAC as the name closely resembles the names of Satyam and Maytas. If
this deal goes through, you'll be assured of free supply of liquor. We
have engaged the services of domestic investment bank JP Murugan to
assist us in this strategic acquisition.
8.
For Satyam Associates who are dis-associated (laid off), you'll be
offered agricultural land under the possession of Maytas so that you
can be self-associated (Self-Employed). Some of the land documents
might be forged and Satyam, Maytas or the Raju family will not take any
responsibility for the genuineness or otherwise of these land
documents.
8. Satyam will float a new website called www.SatyamCVs.com
where employees can apply for outside jobs. Instead of the associates
posting their CVs on other third party websites like Naukri and
Monster, associates can now post their CVs directly on this site. This
site will only accept CVs from Satyam associates. The front page of
this site will contain a ticker showing the number of CVs in the site.
This will give an assurance to the outside world that we do have the
53000 employees stated in our financial reports. Our interim CEO Ram
Mynampati just inaugurated this job site by uploading his CV. Our HR
team will be able to assist if you have any queries or doubts about
this site. While showing projects that you have worked on, you are free
to choose from any of the 500 Fortune 500 companies as our audited
accounts shows that all of them are our customers. Please accomodate if
the site is slow as we are experiencing huge traffic on this site. Even
our HR people (who are normally quite free) are very busy updating
their CV's on this site.
9.
All our candidates for whom we have offered campus placements are
required to report to work immediately. They will be accomodated in the
new shiny benches bought for this purpose. These benches are located
outside the office building. We felt this is best way out as we have
decided to switch off the Air-conditioning inside the premises to cut
costs. All the new joinees should come with a Cash deposit (in lieu of
the bond) of Rs. 2 lakhs each. Satyam intends to use this money to tide
over the working capital crisis. Once you come onboard, we will try to
send you on onsite project where you can recover your Rs. 2 lakh
deposit within a short period.
10.
Since some of our cheques are bouncing, we will now be handing over the
salaries in cash instead of cheques. Associates are required to count
and verify the genuineness of the cash before leaving the office
premises. No future claims will be entertained.
Source: http://sambharmafia.blogspot.com
Active Topics
Memberlist
Calendar
Search
Help
Register
Login
IP Logged
Ha! ha! Ha!
